A happy NEW year to all



Every year on this day, I come up with a list of resolutions I try so hard to keep after the new year.  For the first month or so, I'm able to keep those resolutions and I feel really proud of myself.  But then the lazy bug kicks in or the procrastination virus catches and I slowly start to fail.  Then slowly I start to feel like a failure and due to this lingering feeling of not measuring up to my own expectations, I become completely discouraged and totally give up.  Sure I can make a list of shallow changes I want to make and a list of cliches I'd like to do but practicality is important and I'm keeping mine in check.
This year (What's left of it) I've decided I will make NO New Years resolutions and I will just be.  There are things in my mind that I want to do and change and if I am able to do and change these things then that will be great, if not then I won't have an unfinished list staring back at me in disappointment. 
A new year is a new canvas but it doesn't wipe the slate completely clean.  No matter what we do or how hard we try to shake the previous years, we will always be dragging them behind us like a ball and chain.  Here is where we can choose to continue to drag it behind us letting it slow us down or we can place that ball and chain on some wheels and let is glide beside us. 
I've never been much of an optimist and I'm not a total pessimist, I'm an Idealist with a realistic world perspective.  I'm going to live this year to come to the best of my ability and make the most of every day.  I'm going to continue to cherish the little moments that keep me going and hold on to the big moments that make me feel alive.  I'm going to hug and kiss my son every day and tell the people I hold dear how much I love them through my words and actions.
I'm throwing out the list and going into 2011 with blind expectations.
IN 2011 I'M GOING TO LIVE!!!!!

Family...NOTHING is more important.

As the year comes to a close and we are thrust into the Christmas season torn between what our individual hearts tell us the holiday is all about and what the manufacturers want us to think (buy buy buy)

  

I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic and ponder on my favorite thing...the things I'm thankful for-----> my family! There is NOTHING more important than your own family. 

Yep, in this post I will be contributing to the holiday cheese factor.  

It's no secret that, despite Thanksgiving and Christmas, this is NOT my favorite time of year.  The grass dies, the trees are stripped of their leaves and forced to watch as they wilt and rot on the ground below, the sun seems to hide away occasionally sending down dull rays that can barely warm us on the coldest of days.  Color is washed away and we are left with dull greens, browns, and if we're "lucky" a little white.  

The world around us seems to give up and die. I look out my window and what was once vibrant, alive and bursting with an array of colors is now dull, dead and sad.  But just when I've settled into the beginning of winter gloom and doom, Christmas starts to happen.  While early fall (October) is my favorite time of year, this time of year provides it's own bit of magic. 

Sparkling white lights go up and it seems as if God himself dumped a bucket of stars on the earth to help brighten the dullness around us.



                                             

Mixed in with the white lights, is a vast mixture of colored lights that appeal to the child in us all, bright green garland, magnificent red bows and Christmas trees...each one unique.

                                                                                      

The smell of juicy pines fill the air outside as well as in.  Inside, the new aroma of apples, cinnamon, ginger and at times sugar cookies also soars through the air caressing our senses and wrapping us in comfort and familiarity.  The fireplaces are lit and the stockings are hung and the Christmas trees are surrounded by lavishly wrapped gifts with dainty bows to match.  Tucked away gently in a serene corner of the house is the manger scene for which many believe is "the reason for the season". (comment not meant to devalue or insult any other religion or person belief. *sigh*)

Beyond it all, one thing that ALL people can agree on is that this is a time for family, friends, loving and giving and being together! My family and extended family means the world to me.  Without them I'd fall apart and I truly wouldn't be who I am. 

 My mother-in-law to be helps to keep our heads above the water.  She lets Xander hang out with her on her day off giving me one day a week to relax, recharge and regain my sanity.

My brothers are my protectors and my confidants.  I know they will have my back if and when I need them.  I know that I can always tell them my secrets and bare my soul and they'll never judge me. 

My mom isn't only my mom.  She's my friend, my sister, my partner in crime.  She'll always try her best to make sure I do and look my best.  She's my stylist in life and I know she'll never steer me wrong.

My dad gave me my greatest gift, my love for writing and respect for books.  He has taught me to be slow to use my words but quick to listen to the world around me. 



My Philip, my Sparky, is my soul mate.  He keeps me on my toes and loves me despite all my many flaws and he loves my family despite their many flaws and never pushes them away. What more can I say, I just love him so. 

Last but definitely not least is my baby boy. 

He is my heart and soul, my reason for living.  So, on Christmas day while I'm watching his happy little face take in his new toys surrounded by the people that love him most, the shining lights and the many comforting scents that fill the air and connect with our memories, I'm going to relish the moment.  I'm going to try my best to remember every single little detail on his and my entire families faces and hold them in my heart.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memories, LOST in the corner of my mind...

This entry is very personal and about something most people don't know about me.
What a memory should be:
Memory: 1. the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.

2. this faculty as possessed by a particular individual: to have a good memory.

3. the act or fact of retaining and recalling impressions, facts, etc.; remembrance; recollection: to draw from memory.

4. the length of time over which recollection extends: a time within the memory of living persons.

5. a mental impression retained; a recollection: one's earliest memories.

6. the reputation of a person or thing, esp. after death; fame: a ruler of beloved memory.

7. the state or fact of being remembered.

8. a person, thing, event, fact, etc., remembered.

9. commemorative remembrance; commemoration: a monument in memory of Columbus.

10. the ability of certain materials to return to an original shape after deformation.

dictionary reference

 While some memories are worth having, keeping and recalling; some should just stay lost in the junk drawer of my mind.  But recalling old times has become increasingly difficult.  Ever since my accident in 2004 my memory hasn't been the same.  On top of not getting all of my memory back, it seems the memories I did have are getting harder to hold on to.  Some would argue that memory loss just comes with age but I'm only 28...it's different with me, it's not old age just yet that's robbing me of my memories. 

Most people are afraid of growing old and dying or just fear death all together.  I, however, don't really fear death at all.  No point in fearing what you have no control over but I do fear growing old and getting lost in my own mind.  Getting Alzheimer's or Dementia is a bigger fear of mine than getting any other illness.  You know, I actually don't mind the idea of getting old.  There's a beauty in aging, the elderly are an untapped resource of knowledge. But with that being said, sometimes with age comes sickness and pain and all of that I will gladly welcome along with the wrinkles, odd sagging, age spots and white hair as long as I can keep my mind, my sanity...my memories. 
Ever since I could write, I've kept a journal.  Granted some of the stuff I wrote about at age 10 or so is extremely hilarious and trivial but it's comforting to be able to go back and read the little moments and people I have forgotten about.  Reading those journals is how I thought to find some people on Facebook. 
My mom has this wonderful habit of putting me on the spot with people.  "Tiffany this is blah blah. Remember?" Then I'll turn all shades of red as my mind draws a complete blank on who or what I'm apparently supposed to remember.  I also hate having conversations that involve tons of names that sound familiar but no matter how hard I try I can't recall a face.  I get so fixated on the names that I forget the person that's talking and mentally beat myself up trying my hardest to remember. 
But what really tops it all in the embarrassing frustrations of memory department, is when I'm out in public and I run into someone that knows me but my mind doesn't know them anymore.  Nothing is more damaging to the ego then going up to someone that you think should remember you and having them not know at all who you are.  So, like the good person I try so hard to be, I nod, give hugs, fake sentiments and pray to God that they don't go too deep and ask something I can't answer.  After having this happen to me oh, about a million times no matter where I went, it became easier to just become the person that didn't like to leave the house.  I catch a lot of hell for basically becoming a hermit because sadly enough people just don't believe me or they don't understand how seriously depressing it is to be 28 and have the recollection abilities of an 82 year old.  This is one reason I'm such an obsessive picture taker.  My hopes are that in the years to come, these fleeting moments caught in a picture will help me remember what I may have forgotten. 
I can recall everything about the day of my accident as if it had just happened.  It's unnerving to be able to remember the moment/incident that started the chain of memory loss..........the one moment I'd like so much to forget. 
What upsets me the most is to know that in a few years these early moments and memories with Xander are going to start getting blurry and some memories may fade away altogether.

But for now, I'll cherish the memories I have and create wonderful new ones every day and if the day comes when I can no longer recall my memories, I can smile because in my heart I'll know that they are out there in someone else's mind and thought I can't recall them I hope that it's a memory so amazing that they can't help but smile when they think of it. 

Here are a few of my fun old memories:

"I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spook, I do I do I do believe in spooks"

 

 

I'll go ahead and admit it, I'm the biggest scaredy cat there is.  I never grew out of being afraid of the dark, the "boogie man" or things that go bump in the night.  As years passed, I did attempt to rationalize my irrational fears.  So, instead of being afraid of your typical slimy, horned, sharp tooth, glowing eyed monster lurking in the shadows, I'm now afraid of the freaked out desperate gun man, rapist, murderer (etc...) monsters lurking in those shadows.  The "boogie man", who in my mind when I was little looked like "the Darkness" from the movie Legend, now takes on the form of any ol normal person.  Hence the reason people freak me out.

Now, as for things that go bump in the night, I'm still trying to convince myself "it's just the house settling". 
Out of all the classic horror movie creeps, Michael Myers terrifies me the most.  (don't ask...he just does.  I have my reasons).  I mean, I don't believe he's real and go running and screaming like a banshee when I see someone in the costume but if he pops up behind me, I'm definitely peeing on myself a little. 

Even though I've attempted to rationalize my fears of the dark, when the lights are off every little noise is magnified and makes my hair stand on end and sends a shock wave of fear up my spine.  You know you've felt it too! At night when it's time for bed and your going through the house cutting off the lights your pace quickens a little when you have a pitch black room at your back.  It feels as if the darkness takes on this form that's slowly creeping up behind you making you slightly tense and teasing that place you've tucked away your irrational fears.  You start to get that feeling that any minute somethings going to jump out and get you and you don't dare look back and slow down.  Then once you reach your room, you do a little jump to the safety of your bed because that irrational fear has been released and all you can think about (no matter how hard you try not to) is something or someone reaching out from under the bed and grabbing your feet. 

When night falls I double lock all the doors and close all the blinds.  I hate the thought of looking out of a window into the blackness of night and not being able to see who or what may be lurking, lying in wait and staring right back at me. 

And don't even get me started on ghosts! Everyone thinks I'm crazier than usual when I talk about randomly smelling cigarette smoke and moving frames.  OR when I talk about hearing the footsteps and the opening and closing of doors when I lived in my grandpa's old house alone.  OR how about the time an ex and I were sitting on my parent's front porch late at night and we hear the sound of kids playing followed by someone (THAT WASN'T THERE) saying and then shouting his name!! He shoved me out of the way and ran! When I lived at home we always had cats and you pet owners out there you know that feeling when your pet jumps up on the bed at night? Well, it would feel like my cat had jumped up on the bed and sat down and when I would reach for her she wasn't there.  And my parent's will even admit they've heard creeping footsteps coming down the hall that fall short of their bedroom door.  EEK!!!

I'm obviously NOT the type of person that will go and investigate an odd noise.  If I hear or see something creepy.....I'M OUT!!!!!!!! If you want to investigate it, fine but know that it's the nosey ones that get killed and if I hear you screaming for help, you better believe I'm putting an even greater distance between me and whatever it was that got your ass!!! Nice knowing ya.

Nowadays the big "scare you till you crap your pants" concept is Zombies.

UGH...REALLY?!?!?! I'm already paranoid enough about the people around me.  Now I have to worry about waking up one day to some zombie apocalypse where my neighbors are coming at me knife and fork in hand licking their blooding lips looking to get a piece of Tiffany rare on the bone and with the fat. yum.

All that being said and pushed aside Halloween is still my favorite time of year. 



Adults can get away with playing dress up no matter what the costume is. 

And now that I have a kid of my own, I can go trick or treating again.

This is the ONE day out of the year that I push my irrational fears to the back of my mind and relish the thought of a spooktacular time!

Hey, at least I'm not afraid of clowns. ;-D