"I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spook, I do I do I do believe in spooks"

 

 

I'll go ahead and admit it, I'm the biggest scaredy cat there is.  I never grew out of being afraid of the dark, the "boogie man" or things that go bump in the night.  As years passed, I did attempt to rationalize my irrational fears.  So, instead of being afraid of your typical slimy, horned, sharp tooth, glowing eyed monster lurking in the shadows, I'm now afraid of the freaked out desperate gun man, rapist, murderer (etc...) monsters lurking in those shadows.  The "boogie man", who in my mind when I was little looked like "the Darkness" from the movie Legend, now takes on the form of any ol normal person.  Hence the reason people freak me out.

Now, as for things that go bump in the night, I'm still trying to convince myself "it's just the house settling". 
Out of all the classic horror movie creeps, Michael Myers terrifies me the most.  (don't ask...he just does.  I have my reasons).  I mean, I don't believe he's real and go running and screaming like a banshee when I see someone in the costume but if he pops up behind me, I'm definitely peeing on myself a little. 

Even though I've attempted to rationalize my fears of the dark, when the lights are off every little noise is magnified and makes my hair stand on end and sends a shock wave of fear up my spine.  You know you've felt it too! At night when it's time for bed and your going through the house cutting off the lights your pace quickens a little when you have a pitch black room at your back.  It feels as if the darkness takes on this form that's slowly creeping up behind you making you slightly tense and teasing that place you've tucked away your irrational fears.  You start to get that feeling that any minute somethings going to jump out and get you and you don't dare look back and slow down.  Then once you reach your room, you do a little jump to the safety of your bed because that irrational fear has been released and all you can think about (no matter how hard you try not to) is something or someone reaching out from under the bed and grabbing your feet. 

When night falls I double lock all the doors and close all the blinds.  I hate the thought of looking out of a window into the blackness of night and not being able to see who or what may be lurking, lying in wait and staring right back at me. 

And don't even get me started on ghosts! Everyone thinks I'm crazier than usual when I talk about randomly smelling cigarette smoke and moving frames.  OR when I talk about hearing the footsteps and the opening and closing of doors when I lived in my grandpa's old house alone.  OR how about the time an ex and I were sitting on my parent's front porch late at night and we hear the sound of kids playing followed by someone (THAT WASN'T THERE) saying and then shouting his name!! He shoved me out of the way and ran! When I lived at home we always had cats and you pet owners out there you know that feeling when your pet jumps up on the bed at night? Well, it would feel like my cat had jumped up on the bed and sat down and when I would reach for her she wasn't there.  And my parent's will even admit they've heard creeping footsteps coming down the hall that fall short of their bedroom door.  EEK!!!

I'm obviously NOT the type of person that will go and investigate an odd noise.  If I hear or see something creepy.....I'M OUT!!!!!!!! If you want to investigate it, fine but know that it's the nosey ones that get killed and if I hear you screaming for help, you better believe I'm putting an even greater distance between me and whatever it was that got your ass!!! Nice knowing ya.

Nowadays the big "scare you till you crap your pants" concept is Zombies.

UGH...REALLY?!?!?! I'm already paranoid enough about the people around me.  Now I have to worry about waking up one day to some zombie apocalypse where my neighbors are coming at me knife and fork in hand licking their blooding lips looking to get a piece of Tiffany rare on the bone and with the fat. yum.

All that being said and pushed aside Halloween is still my favorite time of year. 



Adults can get away with playing dress up no matter what the costume is. 

And now that I have a kid of my own, I can go trick or treating again.

This is the ONE day out of the year that I push my irrational fears to the back of my mind and relish the thought of a spooktacular time!

Hey, at least I'm not afraid of clowns. ;-D



Another candle on the cake

Another year comes and goes and I'm another year older but still none this wiser.  Not that I expected to wake up on my 28th birthday and have some life altering epiphany but it would be nice to have some idea or clarity on where I'm supposed to go from here.  I know I know, wouldn't we all. 

My major accomplishment in life thus far is that I have my true love and we have an amazing little boy (that I haven't managed to mess up just yet) and he is my heart and soul...for me, that's enough.  I used to think life was about so much more.  That to truly be living life, it should be full of amazing adventures and taking chances.  While that is the case for some, I realize, as I get older, that isn't the case for me.  It's the little things in life that sometimes turn out to be the greatest adventures of all.  Don't get me wrong, it would be great to be a well versed traveler having been there and done that but seeing how I could never get my money tree to grow, I'm a little short on extra curricular play cash but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. 

Watching my son learn, grow and soak up the world around him like a straw, is an amazing adventure.  Having him learn it from me and his daddy is where the taking chances comes in.  :-)

Finding the love of my life didn't require some huge adventure, granted I made a few missteps along the way before I realized it but he was right under my nose and 10 mins down the road the whole time.  Being willing to submit my heart to someone the way I did him was a chance well worth taking. 

Every time I visit my family, that's a unique adventure in itself and every time I tell them good-bye there is a chance I could never see them again. 

This past year was a great one and I'm beyond excited to see what comes next.  I know we are never guaranteed tomorrow so I will live each day to the fullest the only way I know how...I will make sure the people I love know just how much I love them, I will hold on tighter to the friends I have and the ones I've neglected and I will kiss and hug my son morning, noon and night and every moment in between.  And if there's time I might have an adventure or 2. 

Now, my favorite part...Lessons I've learned this past year:

1. it was confirmed that Lincoln County is mostly made up of racist, judgemental, hypocritical morons that would believe Elvis was resurrected out of a goats butt if they read it in the Lincoln Times News.
2. I learned that without some type of workout, it's nearly impossible to get the weight off. Duh
3. 2 brings the knowledge that most gyms are full of juiced up douche bags and their groupies and I'm better off working out at home. 
4. I learned Disney world was everything I thought it would be.
5. I learned goats will butt you for the hell of it.
6. I conceded to the fact that my grandpa will always tell me I look like I'm gaining weight even if I've lost 100lbs.
7. My brothers are still the greatest guys I know and will always be my protectors. 
8. Toy Story and Sesame street are a sedative for a pissed off toddler. 
9. By watching Philip's struggle with losing a friend, I've learned I need to be a better one.
10. I learned writing a book is hard business
11. I learned that there are a lot of people I miss.
12. I learned that I either lost more memory than I thought or old age is coming early for me.
13. I learned having a kid is a great reason to act like one.
14. I learned I still got it .(oh snap...lol)
15. I can not completely shut my beloved Sun Drop out of my life.
16. I should go to bed earlier...but I don't
17. I learned Carmax sucks and sold me a damaged car.
18. You can literally find the answer to anything on the Internet.
19. I'm a book crackhead and proud of it.
20. I'm a bigger scaredy cat than I thought and it's getting worse. 
21. A broken toe will having me crying on the ground like a toddler with a full diaper ready for a nap.
22. I learned that there is no denying Philip is my soul mate because we are perfectly goofy together.  When I trip and fall he's there to laugh his ass of at me (while helping me up of course.) lol.
23. My parent's are loud and proud about their new found youth and that makes me happy.
24. I couldn't ask for a better 2nd family to be brought into than Philip's.
25. Never ride the Intimidator with gum in your mouth.
26. It takes 3 bullets, a garden rake, a rock and a brick to get rid of a opossum.
27. Toy Story on ice + Philip + a hungry, nap deprived Xander + being surrounded by other hungry, nap deprived, sugared up, excited kids = a bad idea.
28. Too many people think they are poets, writers, Confucius and all together know-it-alls.
and one to grow on....
29. Everyday has the potential of being better than the last. 

STOP BULLYING!!

     No one person on this planet is better than anyone else.  No amount of money or personal possessions makes you a better person than the "poor guy" down the street.  Your religion is just as sacred to you as "the other guys" is to him.  We love who we love and it's no ones business or place to judge. 
     Putting an end to the bullying starts at home.  What we teach our children and the examples we set for them are what they take out into the world.  They are smart and watch our every move and absorb our every word.  It disgusts me that a teen would find it ok to bully their peers (to the point of suicide) just because they are gay Ellen DeGeneres psa, a different race or religion.  Some kids today find it ok to bully anyone that is a little different than them.  UK anti bullying psa
     I read a story about a girl who was bullied because of her accent.  So she tied a rope around her neck and jumped out of her bedroom window.  I read another story about a guy who shot himself after being bullied because he liked wearing pink and was flamboyantly outgoing.( suicide stories )  For a society of teens that claim to strive to be different to express who they are, they sure seem more close minded and judgemental than ever. 
    In school I was always on the outside looking in.  I never really did fit in with any "click" at school.  There was a core group I was most acquainted with and close friends with a few of them at one point in time.  I went through my own struggles and my actions towards them drove them away but ultimately it was a cry for help that no one ever heard.  I'm not ready to tell my story here just yet but just to say I know what it's like to feel alone.  We need to teach tolerance to our children.  We need to teach them about speaking up and standing up for themselves and others. bullying.org
     Teens need to know that there is another way and that suicide is NOT the answer.  They need to know life IS worth living and that it WILL get better.  It starts at home...........................
    

If I Die Young

This past weekend I went to a funeral/memorial service in Kentucky for an old friend of Philip's.  I never got to meet her but I wish I could have.  Lauren was only a little over a month shy of turning 28 when her life was stolen from her...yes...stolen.  The guy she was dating jerked the steering wheel during an argument they were having.  She died and he walked away practically unharmed.  Though I didn't know her, from what stories I've heard Lauren was a pretty awesome person.  She was goofy like me and didn't mind a good Disney movie.  She had a love for fall and her birthday was also in October like mine.  She loved Xander with a passion though she had never met him.  She seemed to have a free spirit and a confused understated grasp on life.  She was beautiful, smart and funny...

Philip was her "BFF" and even though they hadn't seen each other in nearly 2 years they cared about one another the way BFF's should.  It breaks my heart to see how much her loss cut him to the core.  It really makes you put things in perspective.  There are some great people in my life (family and friends) that I don't see often enough and should really let them know what they mean to me. 

Going to the funeral of someone older who lived a full life is a little less devastating and thought provoking than that of a funeral for someone young right in the middle of really living. 
Some people say things happen for a reason (even I say it from time to time) but really, what's the reason here? If it was just "her time" couldn't her "exit" have been a little less dramatic and traumatic.  I never understood why some deaths have to be so horrific.  It seems to make coping with it all a little bit harder for the family and friends left behind.  The family will always ask why and wonder what they could have done to prevent Lauren's death.  They'll recount their last moments with her and wonder if she knew how much they truly loved her.  It's not fair...plain and simple. 
I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with all this because I have so many different emotions pulsing through my mind on the subject.  Six years ago I could have died and nearly did.  I often think what if I would have? Who would have cared? What would they remember about me and what would they have to say about me?
A parent should NEVER have to bury their child.  It's all too unnatural and that' all I'm going to say about that because I can't let my thoughts go there.

When we're young we think we are going to live forever because forever seems possible.  Then we grow up and life hits us and we come to that point to where we realize forever really isn't as long as we thought it was.  No matter how hard we try, the clock never turns back.  It's at this time we have to truly learn to appreciate life for what it is...fragile, wild, unpredictable, emotional, confusing, complicated, painful, rewarding and never long enough. 
I've dealt with a lot of death in my lifetime and nothing is more painful than seeing a life cut short.  I've never really thought about how I would die but I hope I'm well into my old age and peacefully sleeping.  I hope I will have made a difference in someones life at one point and done something really amazing in the process of my many years.  I hope my children and grandchildren will have many perfect and wonderful memories of me.  I hope that I will have taught my children well.  I hope that I will have never lost my childish innocents.
BUT if I die young.......................